My Higher Power is John Stamos
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
