Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
