Are we in a gay sports bar?
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
