Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
No stitches, just platelets and will power
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
