Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
