Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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