He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
