Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
