My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
