So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize