if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
