The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She told me I should be a condom model.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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