I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
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