you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize