Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
