Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
