you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
