God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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