i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
