Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I could make wine with my vomit
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
