She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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