What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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