five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
