you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
