Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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