So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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