I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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