a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
