my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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