all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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