im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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