When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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