remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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