Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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