So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize