i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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