grandma shit on top of the toilet
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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