I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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