Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
What drink are we having for lunch?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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