How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Drunk is a universal language darling
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