Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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