If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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