i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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