Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
