I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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