the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize