i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
