my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
