I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
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