i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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