idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
