I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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