i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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