I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
