Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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